Monday, June 24, 2013
I don't sleep well at night. Basically I'm a night owl. So after I wake up around 6:30 a.m. I have a cup of coffee and a cigarette I go back to bed and sleep a couple of hours.
This morning I had a dream. In my dream people had gathered in my childhood home for a memorial. The deceased had died in a plane crash and his death was shocking and tragic. He was a charismatic and inspiring youth group leader. People who had gathered were all his disciples and I knew all of them. We used to be in the same organization, in the same groups. We had meetings together, went to camp together, and some of us had attended the same high school.
Throughout the memorial I had a feeling that I was invisible. People past me by without a glance, no one said hello. I had the feeling that no one recognized me even though I remembered them. I didn't remember all their names but I remembered their faces. So I started to go up to some and tell them my name and ask theirs. Some of them would say "Oh, hi" and then walk away. Some didn't even bother to tell me their name.
They all seemed to know and remember each other. I started to think maybe I looked odd, so I took off my jacket. I though they didn't like our house, so I started to straighten things up. I thought I wasn't being a good host so I started to offer tea, coffee and soft drinks. Nothing seemed to work, people were still ignoring me.
Then suddenly it hit me. After all these years, they were still looking down on me like they had in high school. I had moved to Tehran from a small town at tenth grade. Back then in Iran it was customary to think that people from villages and small towns were less educated, backwards and in general, inferior. Therefor I only had two friends, one was my childhood best friend who had moved from the same place as I, and the other was a nice person who had looked beyond where I had come from.
I remember even then I was surprised at their behavior. I had never in my life experienced discrimination. Back in my old town I went to a public Iranian high school and even though I was from a religious minority I never felt discriminated against. If anything both teachers and students looked up to the Armenian students because we were good students, well mannered, and better dressed. However in Tehran in an Armenian high school among my own people I was being discriminated against and ignored.
The behavior of my classmates puzzled me because I didn't see myself as inferior in any way.
I was smart, well read, came from an affluent family and dressed very modern. My mini skirts were as short as any of theirs and my platform shoes were as high as theirs. I wore knee high boots with my minis and long winter coats. My jeans were from America which my sister who lived there would bring for me. I don't remember being much bothered with the attitude of my classmates. I had a boyfriend at the time and he would take me to lunch everyday so I didn't even have time to make new friends. At the youth organization as the girls would ignore me, the boys liked me just fine. I remember hanging out with the boys and not feeling so bad for getting the cold shoulder by the girls.
This was a strange dream to say the least. I've been thinking about it since waking up. I haven't seen any of these people since I left Iran, nor do I care to see. It would be interesting however to see if they would behave like they did in my dream or if they have been enlightened.
P.S. I wish a psychologist would interpret my dream. I'm sure it says a lot about me as well as about my bigoted society.