Where Can I find Happiness

 Where Can I find Happiness

I’m breathing on my own

I can smell flowers and coffee.

My eyes can see

I love to watch sunsets and the ocean waives

To see great art and the stars.

I can hear all sounds

Listen to poetry

Listen to Mozart, Beethoven and Bach 

Their music puts me in a trance.

I can taste peaches and wine

My lips can feel my lovers kiss 

And I can cress my baby’s cheeks.

I have people that I love

And they give me love back.

I have roots, branches

Flowers and fruits.

But sadly none of these make me happy.

At some point

I broke

I fractured

I can’t find my pieces 

If I did 

I don’t know I could put myself together.

 

I don’t know how to be happy

Care free, content

Fulfilled  

A normal human being 

The Rat Race

 The Rat Race 

The freeway stretches 

Gray and hot

Like a giant anaconda 

Tolerating all the cars

On its back, like ants. 

I smell gas, rubber and decadence. 

We’re all on the same road 

Going in different directions 

Trapped in our metal bubbles 

Each buried in our world

Listening to news, talk or rap. 

Bereft

It creeps up on you  

Overtime 

in slow motion 

Stretching 

Unending 

You feel parched

Hungry 

You become mute 

It crushes you 

You crumble into yourself 

You’re pulverized 

And 

You vanish 

My Dearest Granddaughter

 My dearest granddaughter,

This morning your mom sent me a video of you singing happy birthday to me. You sang like an angel, so sweet and soft and at the end you blew me a kiss. That was the best gift I could get from you. 

That afternoon you, your mom and your sister came over to our house. You had brought a bouquet of pink roses and baby’s breath. It was a  lovely, elegant and beautiful bouquet. Your mom also gave me a card and you both had written very nice birthday wishes for me. 

And then you asked me how old I was and I told you that I was 60 today. And then you asked if that was very old. I said not that old. You said you don’t want to get old. I told you that you had a very long life ahead of you and it will take a very long time for you to get old.  You said you will not get old because you are special and I agreed.

Lately you have been obsessed about getting old and dying. More than a few times you have asked me if everybody gets old and dies. You can imagine what a difficult question that is for a grown up to answer. On one hand I want to tell you the truth, which is that every one does get old and everyone dies at the end. On the other hand, because you are only 5 years and 2 and a half months old, I don’t want to scare you by saying that. Even though it is hard for me to imagine what you think of death and dying.  

But you know my angel, the answer is much more complicated than that. You see, life is like a circle and it’s never ending. New people are born every day, and every day some people die. But life goes on and we all grow up even if we don’t want to. Growing up is a beautiful process. The older you get the more you understand, the more you learn about the world, the more novel experiences you will have.  As you get older you will find new friends, you will fall in love, you will get married, you will become a mother, you will love and nurture your children and watch them grow, and they will repeat the process all over again. If you didn’t grow, none of these wondrous  things would happen and you would miss out on all the blessings that life has in store for you. 

My sweet girl, my wish for you, is that you will grow up, without being in a rush to grow up. Enjoy your delightful childhood with your mom and dad and your sisters. Enjoy your school days and your friends. Do all the things you love to do, travel the world, do great work. You are like sunshine, you bring life and beauty wherever you go. You are a very bright and intelligent little girl and you are getting smarter all the time. I have no doubt that you will become a very important person and you will do significant things for the world. 

I have to ask you a favor that, after I die you won’t be sad for too long. You will remember me for all the fun times we had together, all the times we danced together, the times I sang to you, the times I told you stories of my childhood, the bedtime stories I read to you. Always remember that I loved you as much as all the universe, all the stars and all the galaxies. 

I myself don’t understand why we die and what being dead is like, but I do know when one lives a long time, at some point one feels tired and wants to rest and that is why there is death. 

Reckless Driver

 Hay moron,  yes you   Idiot, I’m talking to you, you speed maniac. You probably don’t know this but the Los Angeles freeways are not race tracks.
You are not a NASCAR driver, neither are you an Indy 500 driver. You could never be MARIO ANDRETTI, MICHAEL SCHUMACHER, or DALE EARNHARDT.  I bet you don’t even know who they are. You know what you are? 
You’re a big spoiled boy who thinks he’s a big piece of shit.  You think your Hyundai, Kia, Mazda , Nissan, Toyota, Honda or BMW or any other piece of junk you’re driving is a Porsche or Ferrari or a Lamborghini. If you do, then dream on because even if you live long enough you will never have one of these cars. 
I couldn’t care less about your miserable life but I care about mine and my loved ones. If you have a death wish go jump off a bridge.  
When people see you driving like a deranged person they don’t say “Wow what an awesome driver” they say “who’s this ass-hole”. So if you think of yourself as a phenomenal driver then, like Justin Bieber says: 
“Go Love Yourself”. 

Loneliness

 

When I’m buzzed with 2 margaritas or a glass of wine, 

dormant emotions rush into my consciousness and make 

me melancholy. I feel the pain of separation from deceased 

loved ones and the lamentations of estranged siblings. 

But alas there is no remedy for either pain so I drown in my pain and loneliness. 

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

 What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

While most people are enjoying their life in all possible ways, at whatever life stage they are in, at any age, any profession, doing normal ordinary things every day, I’m hounded by questions about the meaning of life, our purpose, who created us and what for and the annoying feeling of being insignificant in the greater scheme of things. 

This is not something I started doing in my old age. I remember when I was a kid maybe 6 or 7 years old after calling my mom so many times, I started to think why am I calling her mom? Who decided that she should be called that? Who created this language that I’m speaking? How did all other languages came to be? At that age I had already heard about God, and that he/she was our creator and that God is omnipotent, that he is the ultimate judge and can punish or forgive, that he decides if we go to heaven  or hell. 

The source of my information was the religion classes that we were taught in our Armenian school, our church and my family. I remember that my mother prayed every nigh before bed but I had never seen dad do the same. I don’t remember either of them talking to me or any of my brothers and sisters about God.  We did go to church but not every Sunday.  We did celebrate all the Christian holidays. At our church there were no sermons just the religious ceremonies and hymns. 

However at some point during my teens I stopped believing in God. The main reason being the Armenian genocide. I could not comprehend and accept that he, the Almighty had let such an injustice happen to the first nation that had accepted Christianity, a nation who’s land was dotted by countless churches and monasteries, a nation who had struggled and sacrificed so much to stay a Christian nation. What kind of god would let that happen?  I reasoned that if god existed all the atrocities that happened on Earth would not have happened. As I got older I decided that I am an Atheist and there was no going back. 

I have lived a fairly ordinary life, reached all the normal milestones that millions of people reach, I have most of the typical relationships that people have, I’m in no way much different than any other human on this Earth, except that I question everything in life and I’m unable to find satisfactory answers and therefor I can not enjoy my life even though I have a lot to be grateful for.  Since nothing seems to make sense, nothing matters.  I am in a constant state of apathy. 

I exist but I’m not alive.