What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

 What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

While most people are enjoying their life in all possible ways, at whatever life stage they are in, at any age, any profession, doing normal ordinary things every day, I’m hounded by questions about the meaning of life, our purpose, who created us and what for and the annoying feeling of being insignificant in the greater scheme of things. 

This is not something I started doing in my old age. I remember when I was a kid maybe 6 or 7 years old after calling my mom so many times, I started to think why am I calling her mom? Who decided that she should be called that? Who created this language that I’m speaking? How did all other languages came to be? At that age I had already heard about God, and that he/she was our creator and that God is omnipotent, that he is the ultimate judge and can punish or forgive, that he decides if we go to heaven  or hell. 

The source of my information was the religion classes that we were taught in our Armenian school, our church and my family. I remember that my mother prayed every nigh before bed but I had never seen dad do the same. I don’t remember either of them talking to me or any of my brothers and sisters about God.  We did go to church but not every Sunday.  We did celebrate all the Christian holidays. At our church there were no sermons just the religious ceremonies and hymns. 

However at some point during my teens I stopped believing in God. The main reason being the Armenian genocide. I could not comprehend and accept that he, the Almighty had let such an injustice happen to the first nation that had accepted Christianity, a nation who’s land was dotted by countless churches and monasteries, a nation who had struggled and sacrificed so much to stay a Christian nation. What kind of god would let that happen?  I reasoned that if god existed all the atrocities that happened on Earth would not have happened. As I got older I decided that I am an Atheist and there was no going back. 

I have lived a fairly ordinary life, reached all the normal milestones that millions of people reach, I have most of the typical relationships that people have, I’m in no way much different than any other human on this Earth, except that I question everything in life and I’m unable to find satisfactory answers and therefor I can not enjoy my life even though I have a lot to be grateful for.  Since nothing seems to make sense, nothing matters.  I am in a constant state of apathy. 

I exist but I’m not alive. 

I Wonder

 

I wonder if there will come a time when people will realize they are all the same. I wonder if one day they will accept, that in our core we are all made of the same substances. Race, religion, nationality, ethnicity, language, geographic location will not matter.  I wonder if they will understand that we all have the right to be free and happy. I wonder if humans will love one another like they love themselves. I wonder if everyone will value life. I wonder if we will survive until then.  

Now we are destroying our home planet Earth and killing each other in the name of race, religion and power. If there ever was a God he/she/it would put an end to this madness but alas there is no such entity. 

We don’t deserve this world, this beautiful planet, this abundant life. If we continue wagging wars and killing each other and destroying our home we will be doomed to be extinct. 

Maybe then will be the dawn of a new human who deserves this life. 

My Relationship With God

Every night right before I fall sleep I say to myself "Thank you God for this roof over my head, thanks for the one sleeping by my side and thanks for my children". It's difficult for me to admit to doing this because it sounds as if I'm praying. The reason it's difficult to admit this is because I am an atheist. I have been an atheist since I was probably a seven year old child. The reason I have been an Atheist is because I have always believed that if there was a God there would be no Armenian genocide. The sad truth is that the majority of Armenian children are taught about the genocide very early. That is our way to insure no one forgets, that each new generation feels the same sense of injustice and rage that the previous generations have felt, and also know that the Turks have not accepted the crimes they committed, that justice has not been served, that we still need our motherland back. As I became older and learned about the history of mankind my belief in none existence of Gad became stronger. I found out that there has been so many other genocides, so many injustices around the world. They happened in the ancient times and modern times. Atrocities happened in every nation, in every country, by people against their own kind and by their enemies. In a smaller scale horrible crimes are committed every day against women, children the elderly and last but not least against animals. If we are to believe in the kind of Gad that the different religions of the world are telling us about, that God is all knowing, he is everywhere, he is just, he is loving, he loves children and animals then it becomes hard to believe. I'm not a theologists, I have never wanted to read any religious books nor study any religion and maybe that is the problem, I don't know. When there were still people in my family that wanted to convince me about the existence of God they would say things such as God knows best. He knows what he is doing, everything has a reason. Even when horrible things happen to good people there is a good reason behind it. I buy none of it.

I do agree with Einstein because the universe is incomprehensible but all the rest not. 

That deep emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.

Albert Einstein