My Relationship With God

Every night right before I fall sleep I say to myself "Thank you God for this roof over my head, thanks for the one sleeping by my side and thanks for my children". It's difficult for me to admit to doing this because it sounds as if I'm praying. The reason it's difficult to admit this is because I am an atheist. I have been an atheist since I was probably a seven year old child. The reason I have been an Atheist is because I have always believed that if there was a God there would be no Armenian genocide. The sad truth is that the majority of Armenian children are taught about the genocide very early. That is our way to insure no one forgets, that each new generation feels the same sense of injustice and rage that the previous generations have felt, and also know that the Turks have not accepted the crimes they committed, that justice has not been served, that we still need our motherland back. As I became older and learned about the history of mankind my belief in none existence of Gad became stronger. I found out that there has been so many other genocides, so many injustices around the world. They happened in the ancient times and modern times. Atrocities happened in every nation, in every country, by people against their own kind and by their enemies. In a smaller scale horrible crimes are committed every day against women, children the elderly and last but not least against animals. If we are to believe in the kind of Gad that the different religions of the world are telling us about, that God is all knowing, he is everywhere, he is just, he is loving, he loves children and animals then it becomes hard to believe. I'm not a theologists, I have never wanted to read any religious books nor study any religion and maybe that is the problem, I don't know. When there were still people in my family that wanted to convince me about the existence of God they would say things such as God knows best. He knows what he is doing, everything has a reason. Even when horrible things happen to good people there is a good reason behind it. I buy none of it.

I do agree with Einstein because the universe is incomprehensible but all the rest not. 

That deep emotional conviction of the presence of a superior reasoning power, which is revealed in the incomprehensible universe, forms my idea of God.

Albert Einstein  

Reminiscence

I don't know why but I can't forget that Christmas long ago when I was 14 years old. We still lived in my home town Arak in Iran. My three older sisters were already married and gone away. One of them was visiting us that Christmas and had brought two friends along. They were a couple, an Armenian man and his American wife. My sisters and I were doing what we did every holiday night. We had lots of great food, homemade wine and were singing old Armenian songs all night long. The Armenian man had become very emotional from our songs. The songs we used to sing were mostly about love of  our homeland Armenia, mothers love, separation from family and such. Come to think of it they were all tear-jerkers. No wonder the fellow was getting teary eyed. I also became very emotional just seeing him so effected by our patriotism and unbridled nationalism. I drank a lot of wine and sang my heart out. I don't remember what I was doing but my family got worried about me and called a doctor. He gave me a shot and told my parents to let me sleep it off. The next day my parents didn't say anything to me, but my sister kept asking me why I had gotten so drunk. It was hard to explain, it still is. I think I was feeling sorry for that man because he never had a large family. He never was in an Armenian community. He had never heard such beautiful songs of yearning and love. He had married an American, could never be or raise his kids as pure Armenians like us. I could see in his tearful eyes the lamentation and his lost identity. To me that was tragic. I guess that is why I drank too much because I didn't know how to handle the knowledge of that great sorrow.