I didn’t feel like an orphan when my father died, I still had my mother. Then my mother died and I still didn’t feel like an orphan. I had my older sisters, my older brother and my younger brother. Some of them were near and some were far, nonetheless I had them all with me at all times. They were woven into my life in such an intricate and complex pattern I felt their presence, warmth and love no matter how alone I was. In my consciousness I would always have them, understood them and love them. I never thought that anything could change that, no distance or separation, no marriage not even children could tear us apart. We were an old carpet of shared memories, precious moments, traditions, values and love.
When you are busy living your life, you don’t recognize and take note of things that are tearing your family apart. You don’t have the time or any reason to suspect any such thing. You don’t notice the loosen threads in the rug, the tiny holes that are visible to the naked eye, you don’t notice all the subtle signs and warnings that are telling you if things continue this way you won’t have a family anymore, you won't have the warm and fuzzy feeling that you feel now towards your family nor would they feel about you.
And life is passing by, sometimes like a summer breeze and sometimes like a winter blizzard. There are marriages, children, in-laws, divorces, deaths, all that makes life life is happening to all of us.
One day long after loosing both my parents, having relationship disasters with all my siblings, their husband or wives and their children, long after I stopped my relationship with a brother and sister, after loosing my older brother, long after that, one day I felt orphaned. It crushed me like an iceberg, I suddenly felt utterly alone. I had no one, no parents, no brothers or sisters. That was the day my love died and I knew I would never have what I had lost.
In a large family things tend to get out of hand, people become extremely emotional. Little jabs and insults brushed away in real time become infected sores. Large and small insults and injuries are never properly dealt with so they fester. Everyone has their share of problems and misfortunes to deal with. People become selfish and self centered. Sometimes people change radically so even family members can’t recognize them. There is so much blame that everyone shares a good deal. I don’t think a team of psychologists and psychiatrists could help a large family with such old problems, such complex relationships or strong personalities.
So after I realized that I’m completely alone and I no longer have a real family it became time to decide if I’m going to continue pretending, or drop all pretexts and just cut all ties?
I don’t know, I will think long and hard before I decide, but it’s very difficult to be in this predicament.
