Sunday, May 11, 2014

A Mother's Day Nightmare

 Last night before falling sleep I was reading a historical novel about ancient Rome. In the story a nobleman was going to feed his slave to blood sucking lampreys because he had broken a valuable goblet.  Maybe because under that unpleasant image I had a very disturbing dream. My dreams are often movie like.

     In this one a hospital was besieged by a terrorist group. The electricity was cut off. Anyone coming to our aid or going out of the hospital would get killed.  At some point a nurse, a few doctors, and some security guards decided to go out together and disarm the terrorists. In the total darkness we couldn't see outside, we only heard loud voices and gun shots. Finally a gurney was pushed inside the doors and on it a bloody body.  Whoever it was started talking telling us what was wrong with him. It turned out that it was one of the doctors.  He was rushed to the operating room. We found one of the security guards, he had a sex change operation done and was bleeding heavily and about to die. The nurse came in walking, in no better shape then the previous victims.

     It seems this whole time I had been sobbing hysterically and my husband would try to wake me up to stop me from crying.  I would wake up feeling very sad and fall sleep again to continue the nightmare. I have no idea why I have such dreams nor can I interpret them in any way, I wish I could. Finally I woke up and today being Mother's Day my husband treated me to breakfast in bed,  a cup of strong coffee and my favorite pastry.  I had a headache from my restless night so I tried to sleep again.

     This time I dreamt it was my wedding day. Everyone was at the reception sitting around big round tables having a sumptuous brunch, everyone but me that is. I couldn't find my wedding dress.  I actually did't have a wedding dress. I remembered ordering one but I didn't remember ever going for fittings. I couldn't find the dress maker's name or the phone number.  My mother was blaming me saying I didn't care for anything as important as my wedding. I was crying again in my dream.

     I woke up and decided I had enough for one day. I thought I would treat myself to reading a short story in the New Yorker.  But then I got bored and I thought I should indulge in my loved pastime, shopping.

     When I got up to get ready, I noticed the pile of laundry waiting to be done, the unmade beds, the dogs, the floors, the plants and flowers the needed watering.  Last week I was too busy doing things to please others so I hadn't had time to do my own work. The guilt that I always feel if I don't include my daughter in my outings which I never do. I decided against going out. You see I'm still a mother, Mother's Day or not. Other people's needs always come first. No I'm not a saint, nor do I want to glorify myself or put mothers on a pedestal. It's just thats how I am and I know a lot of mothers who are just as bad as I.