The feeling is not hard to describe, the feeling is hard to live through. The feeling is of despair , emptiness, loneliness . It doesn’t stop, it doesn’t go away, it doesn’t take a break. It clings on like stale cigarette smoke or a nasty food smell that some neighbor is cooking. This feeling is feeling of depression, when no matter what you do you aren’t feeling joy or any kind of calm or normalcy.
You think of so many things you could do to make this feeling go away, you attempt somethings but nothing works. You go for a walk and it walks beside you, you take a nap and once you are up it’s still there. You cook and clean and go shopping but you just can’t shake the feeling off. You attempt to read but after every sentence you ask “so what?” no subject seems important. You can’t concentrate so you loose interest in what you’re reading. It binds you with a thousand unseen chains, it wraps itself around your brain, it clouds your vision, it muffles the sounds, it numbs your sense of smell. Every day seems like a cloudy day.
You feel defeated, you feel tired like you have just moved a mountain. All you want to do is to lay down and not even feel the weight of your own body. Your head seems too large and heavy, your hands seem unnecessary, your legs are useless. You want to sleep but sleep is not voluntary it doesn’t come when you commend it to. At night when you are in bed you toss and turn and no position is comfortable. You make your neck hurt , your shoulder, your side, your spine, your lower back and not even after making yourself tired to the point of exhaustion sleep doesn’t come.
Today I cooked dinner, washed dishes, did laundry, folded clothes, changed bed sheets, went out to get paint. I watched the news, a documentary, tried to take a nap.
But all the time that feeling didn’t leave me for one second.
This is how I feel most days.
October 16, 2019
